It's so hard to say goodbye

I have tried to compose this many times over the past week and have come up blank every time. The only conclusion I can come up with is that I do not want to accept the fact that it is real.

Every single day.  Multiple times every day, I find something that reminds me of you.  A look, a joke, a noise or even just a random drink on a table will take me back to a memory that is seared into my brain involving you.

That's normal. I spent nearly 47 years of life with you in one form or another. From living in the same house and seeing you daily to living across the country and only talking to you occasionally.

You were with me through the best times of my life and the worst times.  You got to experience the three greatest joys of my life and I can move forward with no regrets because of that. 

I started life with you in it.  You helped me grow older and turn into the man I have become. You helped me through some really tough years in middle school and through all of my younger asthma problems.  You were there for me in High School when I was a not-quite-typical teenager but still dealing with teen issues.  You were really there for me when I went away to college and you would drive mom up to see me at the drop of a hat.  If that was to visit or even just to come up and grab my laundry (because I was too lazy to do it).

You were there when I almost died of an asthma attack, multiple times in fact.

After college you were there for me when I went through a relationship crisis and the ended up moving across the country.

You were there for my next crisis and the next and the next.

You were there when I got married and when my children were born. You got to hold both of your grandbabies and love them and spoil them.

You were always there and you loved every minute of it, and even if you didn't you never complained.

This is what makes it all so hard, you were always there for me when I needed it and in your last moments I was unable to make it back in time to be there for you, with you.

I know that you know I love you, always have and always will. But, it breaks my heard that I have to live with the fact that in your final moments I wasn't quick enough to make it to you.

Feeling sorry for myself will not help, it just hurts. I'm just having trouble moving on.  I'm not dealing with your death well.

You can know something is coming and you can think you are prepared for it, but in this instance I realize I was not ready for anything.

I miss your voice.

The other day I was deleting some voicemails and I ran into the last one I ever received from you.  You called me completely by accident and you are talking to someone in the background.

I hit play and the moment I heard your voice I balled my eyes out.  I will never delete that message.

You mean so much to me and my life. What I am, what I was, what I will be.  How I raise my kids and how I hope they grow up. I am sad you won't get to see them get older.

Sad you won't get to see Jacob continue to play soccer, won't get to see Sofia become a balarina and do her crazy dances. Sad you won't get to throw pillows at them again or build things, see their graduation or weddings.

But you will always be there, you will always be in my memories and thoughts and I don't ever want them to fade.

I feel incomplete without you right now and I know that over time I won't be so sad and miserable all the time and I know that all of your suffering has ended and you have nothing to worry about and that everyone helping to take care of you can breathe a sigh of reliefe knowing you are in a better place watching down over us.

I just love you so much and I miss you so fucking much.

Rest in Piece dad. friend. everything.

I hope I do you proud.

 

Middle Aged John Wick

 Today I just at at home, alone and in the dark, watching movies and letting my mind melt.

My old man called me and we spoke for about a minute.  But, he called me because he was trying to reach mom and called me to ask me how to call her.

His voice sounds off lately, as if he is talking with a mouthful of cotton balls.

Man I want a beer or three now.

Movies.

Today I finished watching Halloween Ends.  I didn't get a chance to finish it last time because right near the end my wife realized that our 5 year old daughter snuck in and was watching and those end scenes are highly not appropriate for young kids.

After that I watched Champions, which is a movie where White Man who Can't Jump gets fired from a job, drunk drive crashes into police cars and then is sentenced to coach a special olympic basketball team. Overall it was very enjoyable. 

After that I put on a movie I had been wanting to watch for a long time, Nobody.  This turned out to be a highly enjoyable violent russian murdering romp.  It was essentially middle aged John Wick.

I need more movie suggestions if anyone has any good ones.

Keep yo Chin up

Life has been too busy lately but sometimes that is exactly what I need. Right now, in my down time, I am watching Air on Amazon Prime. Last night, with the wife, I watched Halloween Ends. Normally, these are the hours that I would be sitting down with a video game but lately I want to do less than think. I don't want to hit buttons, I don't want to decide the fate of the world. I want to sit around in my undewear and just let a good story remove me from my existance even for just a couple of hours. 

My son has Soccer practice 3 days a week. My daughter will have soccer practice 2 days a week. Sadly, they don't overlap. So, Monday - Friday will be practice and games are on Saturday. On my days off I attend every practice. When I'm working I'm taking long lunches if I have the chance so that I can join the practices and help coach the kids. And now, on Saturday's I'll be one of the guys coaching my boys U10 team since Coach will be coaching U8. It all started when a few members of last years team (including my kid) had to advance to U10 because of age. Coach didn't want to break the team up and next year the rest of the team will jump to U10 as well. So, after much talking and some buy-in from myself and a couple other fathers, the team will have a U8 and a U10 squad. It basically means that for the next year I'll be in a phase of never stop running. 

Right now, that is exactly what I need. Keep moving, keep myself and my mind busy. 

April 2022: 

This is when things started going downhill. Had no idea where it was heading. 

In April my old man took a trip to California to have a meeting to get his van altered in order for him to get in and out of his vehicle easier. He has one knee fused and limited mobility, this as going to make his life easier. Then, while he was in his hotel, he fell. 

I'll never know what actually led to him falling or how it happened. I'm pretty sure that he has told me multiple different stories and none of it actually matters. What matters is that he fell, his non-fused knee was damaged and he couldn't move it and it couldn't be touched for months. 

Fast forward a couple of months where constant bed-rest but the lack of any improvement led to deterioration of health and my old-man comes up with a case of pnemonia and his lung collapses. 

He was in a coma for a week to 10 days and that is where shit really took a turn. Nothing has gone right since then. Everything has gone fucking wrong. His strength continues to to deteriorate. His mental abilities have gone downhill and recently diagnosed with dementia. He has been in and out of hospitals and assisted living facilities. 

He has not been home with mom since April 2022. It's been over a year and I still don't know how to handle it. I'm trying my best to have a balance in life, but I don't think it will exist for some time. I work my 40, I play with my kids and help with their soccer coaching and I run and do everything for my mom since she doesn't drive. Groceries, Doctor visits, take her to visit my old-man. 

Every day I'm running somewhere to do something for someone. 

Days off are almost non-existent. I'm slacking on my duties at home because I'm constantly physically and, more importantly, mentally drained. Everything that I have liked to do for myself, my leisure, has all taken a back seat. 

I'm having trouble existing, functioning, keeping it all together and acting like everything is fine. Somedays I feel I'm on the verge of a mental break down. I can't let that show though because I need to be strong and present for everyone. I need to be there to support my mom who, obviously, is not (i snot) taking this easy. I have to be there for my old-man who needs all the support that he can get in his time of need. 

Last week we were told that he is probably on limited time and we should look into hospice care to make his life easier and more comfortable until the end. 

Once again, that fucking broke me. I'm weak. This is why I have turned back to writing. I just need an outlet. I need a place to bang on the keys and just let things out in watever form that takes. 

Writing has worked as therapy for me before. 

Calgon, take me away.